Hello my loves, my friends!
Last time, I wrote on this blog it was almost 3 months ago and now we are in a global pandemic, what the hell?!
Life moves and changes every second of every day and right before shit hit the fan I was diving in deep to my studies and preparing for my first ever pancha karma. Pancha whata? Its an ayurvedic detox cleanse, meaning this cleanse has been around for thousands of years! So what the hay, I decided to go all in the best I could (just two days before the NBA shut down,) I decided to slow everything down, not leave my house for 2 weeks, get off social media, cut out a huge portion of my diet to prepare to completely detox my liver in a fat burning cleanse. I have several habits that allows me to feel better and shoving a handful of chocolate chips in my mouth before bed is one of them. Deciding not to do that as an experience for the unknown seems simple, it ain't easy, but I did it or I didn't do it rather ;)
Anywho, I was two weeks into my cleanse, ready to come back to life as I knew it, reconnect with family and friends (who I also detoxed from) I did not watch the news and decided to go grocery shopping, there was lines on the floor telling me where to stand, people wearing masks,
it was pretty wild and the checkout clerk clued me in on what the heck was actually going on or at least what we think we know whats going on.
I couldn't believe I actually had mentally and physically prepared for a quarantine and little did I know life is slowly but surely changing and we all really don't know how it is going to be when this moves through.
And thats where the gripping, the fear, the anxiety creeping, might start to settle in....but honestly every damn day before the Rona did we have a fucking clue anywho?
SIDENOTE: Where did Rona come from? SofiTukker is one of my favorite DJ duos and since this #quarantine began they commit to doing a daily DJ set Live on IG at 1 PM EST. This is what is keeping me alive and motivated every damn day! They created a song in 5 hours "When the Ronas over" per request by Austrailian fans. They are RAD and full of love and exemplify the energy I want to vibe with.*
We really DON'T know when our personal journey will complete. We really don't know if our personal routines will recover from what they used to be. Getting to know different sides of yourself demands you to look, inquire, be honest and at least listen to what your body and mind are trying to communicate to you. That was the basis of the cleanse..to just sit still with myself without overworking my system, to create a simple routine to allow my body and mind to slow down and process what is actually happening right now, without shoving yummy food in my mouth to pass the time, to truly eat when I’m hungry, to fuel myself because food is medicine & not an emotional excuse to feel better. Fuckkkkkkkk.
Simple, not easy...
Personally, the last 54 days have felt the same minus the access to everything besides food and amazon. I am a homebody and I equally LOVE to travel all over the world. Having all of my plans canceled not because I want them too, totally sucks.
A quote popping up in my head that seems appropriate is "We plan, God laughs." We all set out a map of where we want to go and imagine what we will be like when we arrive. Mama Earth needs lots of love and maybe space from us humans and her voice is the loudest. There is enough prana, life force energy, in this Universe for us ALL the thrive!!!
Being forced to tap into my introverted self for someone who doesn't like other people making decisions for her, yeah I want to say ----->(image expresses emotion)
but all of us in our own individual way are going through it and if you are still
reading this please know you are valuable, you are loved, keeping fucking going!! DON'T EVER STOP!!!!
I read somewhere in these last weeks, that 80,000 souls fightt for 1 body!!
80,000!! You got the body, you are alive!!! Soak that shit in, cause that hit me like a ton of bricks. So many times in this life I have wanted to check the fuck out, later, buh bye, I gotta go Earth! But everytime I get to that deep place of sadness I feel the slightest glimmer of hope, like glitter. Its fucking magic and something bigger than me loving me to continue, I believe this. I trust this and I choose to keep living.
R E A L . . .
The other night, I was watching a movie with my husband on the sofa and as soon as the movie ended I could hear a background noise of screaming. I turned off the volume on the TV and I walked towards my front door where I could hear the railing PING really loud (as if a body had bounced off of it)
I looked outside my front window and saw an ambulance and 5 police cars and immediately heard a lot of commotion and screaming. The woman who lives above us tried to jump off the balcony, she tried to end her life. She and her partner moved in shortly after us and I remember the day I went up to them and welcomed them to the building (mainly I saw they had a doggo and wanted them to know I am a dog whisperer and could be trusted) her demeanor wasn't friendly yet it definitely wasn't rude it just simply was. Reflecting back it seems as though she was on a lot of medication which tends to numb or even change a lot of peoples personality, I know this from first hand experience #fuckZOLOFT
Sunday night was truly a horrific scene and I would hope nobody has to witness or go through what she is going through. She had a full on mental breakdown, the cops had to arrest her and sedate her and that broke my fucking heart. I could hear her screaming into my soul and Adam and I just cried and held each other watching them take care of her. I have to say the police did the absolute best to their abilities to keep everyone safe and I was beyond satisfied to observe that.
SO many emotions ripped right open out of my heart that night and even until right now, I feel uneasy and jittery. This is why I feel like I was called to sit down and just write.
My cousin Barry, shockingly took his life back in 2012, and if you know me you know this completely changed the trajectory of my life and is the number one reason why I commit to teaching yoga! I choose to love everybody. His birthday is this Thursday, May 7th the fuckin Full Moon in Scorpio, INTENSE is Scorpios middle name. A lot of energy is building up towards the full moon within nature and ultimately within us. Scorpio represents death and transformation and all these signs that
I cant ignore are right in my face this week.
*I love astrology and it is where I feel seen.*
I know the other night when my neighbor completely broke down, I saw my cousin in that hour. He was in a similar state of mind and he didn't survive. She has someone and people who love her it was very obvious and I will always pray for her and everyone who suffers mentally. It's like Coronavirus, this secret violent killer, but deep inside the mind and you have the ability to control it.
I AM NOT A MENTAL HEALTH THERAPIST OR A CERTIFIED DOCTOR but I am a certified awesome human who has experienced a whole lot of life and suffered most of my life with depression and just feeling shitty. I can put on a good mask and a good pretend face but I've also learned it's okay not to be okay, BUT its NOT okay to not ask for help. Period.
Ask for help, reach out. Everyone is thinking about what everyone is thinking about them, we are all in this life thing together.
THE WORLD IS ONE FAMILY.
THE WORLD IS ONE FAMILY.
THE WORLD IS ONE FAMILY.
I love you deeply.
Life is a rollercoaster, let's ride the waves together and recognize we really need each other to move forward.
Peace and Love,